


Lost in thought

by CoarsePythagoras



Category: Original Work
Genre: Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 06:22:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14847444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoarsePythagoras/pseuds/CoarsePythagoras
Summary: Yeah I don't really know what this is. This is has absolutly no structure what so ever. Just thought i would write this to lift some weight off my chest. Hasn't really worked though.





	Lost in thought

_**Tuesday 15th May** _

I sit in my room my tears that of a waterfall, as they fall they magnify the freckles near my nose. My left hand holds the blade my right arm exposed revealing the scars from all of my previous endeavours. I know that I had promised my friend to stop but I couldn’t help it.

“I’m sorry” I whisper into the darkness. “I know I promised you but I can’t help it I’m not strong like you I’m pathetically weak, I mean look at me I can’t even gather the strength to finish it, to end everything.”

_**Friday 25th May** _

I drag the blade over my skin, I watch as the floods of red roll down my arm. The pain comes a moment after. It’s soothing. For a moment I feel sure of everything. I keep cutting 1 cut turns into 2 then 3 then 4 sometimes I don’t bother to count I just keep going until I can keep that sure feeling. It never lasts long though never more than a day or two. There was one day I dragged the blade over my right arm it was only 4 cuts. Then I shifted my attention to my left arm I dragged the blade along my skin again this time the cut went deeper. I thought I would panic. However in that moment I was as calm as I had been in a long while. Obviously that calm didn’t last long as I realised what I had done. I tended to the wound as to the best of my abilities and placed the blade back to its hiding place.

_**Monday 4th June** _

I googled all the different way I could end it, I looked at hanging, overdose, cutting myself and even jumping from a building. Looking at all the different methods it looked easy and I could do it at any point. Thinking about it there are so many ways you could turn a normal everyday item into a method of suicide it’s a twisted thought. To think that potential the things you once loved in life could bring such sadness and misery.

I guess you never know what the aftermath of your decisions will be however in the heat of the moment we become selfish all we see is ourselves and the prospect of death. I guess you’ve heard this all before the girl how always has that nagging voice in the back of her head. Constantly reminding her of how much, she fucked up all the ways she doesn’t matter. All of these thoughts flooding and plaguing her mind until she turns it into pain. This brings me back to the start of this story it’s an endless cycle of negative thoughts and the pain I bring to myself. In the words of Lin Manuel Miranda “I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory.”

I wonder what my mum would think if she knew about what I do, would she be mad worried disappointed or would she even care at all. Its summer now my family looks at me weird as I’m always wearing a hoodie or long sleeved t shirt, even when it was around 20°C. I kept my hoodie on. They probably think it’s a strange quirk I have or just laziness or stubbornness. Well no matter what they think they can never find out about any of this. I don’t know what would happen if they did but I don’t think I would be able to handle it.


End file.
